Cheat's mayonnaise

So it happened: the very worst thing. I got norovirus. And just to make sure everyone else had a miserable time, too, I Tweeted about it step by step, reminding those on shift work at 5am that I had now been vomiting for EIGHT HOURS, reminding those getting up with their kids at 7am that I had now been going for TEN HOURS - like some terrible telathon.

But in the end, you know, it wasn't so bad. I mean, it was the most physically traumatising thing to happen to me apart from giving birth - but once you've had it once, you know the drill. Puke so hard it feels like you're going to turn inside out all night and then sit back for the next day sipping Ribena, graciously accepting an avalanche of sympathy. People are so nice about it that it almost makes it worth having.

And anyway you have to shrug these things off. Like you do when, say, when the Mail rings you and offers you enough money to pay for Christmas, an iPhone and a small non-extradition island in the Caribbean to write a slightly controversial piece for them, and then you get a bit carried away and then get over-excited strangers jumping on your head for days and days because they haven't worked out yet that no-one writing in the Mail actually means a word they say, (apart from Melanie Phillips). Like that. You have to shrug that off, too - while crossing your fingers that Samantha Brick pops up again to re-direct some heat.

And Christmas. I think I might shrug Christmas off this year. We haven't got a tree yet. I didn't get an advent calendar until December 4th. I haven't done any festive baking. I'm not even that excited about this year's wrapping paper colour combination (purple with lilac ribbon printed with white snowflakes). It's the last year I'll be able to shrug it off, though. I think Kitty will be aware of Christmas next year and we won't be able to get away with anything less than a 10ft tree and an actual herd of reindeer in the garden. I'm not saying I'm anti-Christmas, before you all get your flipping pitchforks out, I'm just saying that I am shrugging off the pressure.

I'm relaxing, too, about doing things like making my own pastry. I used to insist on making my own pastry before I realised that only people very devoted to the idea of from-scratch baking or who don't happen to have a packet of Jus-Roll in their freezer or who don't have children make their own. It's not that time-consuming, it's just so much easier getting it out of a packet. Go ahead! Judge me! I don't care! Not after the week I've had.

I'm also henceforth never making my own mayonnaise again, having discovered a way of tarting up Hellman's that is so satisfying that I actually feel more smug about doing it than making my own. My mother always makes her own mayonnaise, even when we were small, but she has the patience of a saint and was always able to deftly tune out the murderous squabblings of children, humming as she drizzled the oil into the yolks: dum de dum "FUCKING BI.... HATE Y" dum de dum de dum "I'M GOIN TO FUCKING KIL" tum te tum te tum "FAT C" dee dee dum "UCK OFF!!!" dee dee deeeee.

Anyway so this is my cheat's mayonnaise, which is just super. We have been buying small cooked shrimp from the fishmonger recently and we have it with that, but I recommend you deploy it as an accompaniment to all cold cuts and elaborate sandwiches this festive season.

Some Hellman's mayonnaise (or whatever you've got)
an unpeeled garlic clove
salt
pepper
lemon juice
some olive oil
hot smoked paprika

So what you do is start with the mayo in a bowl get some olive oil, dribble a bit in, then some salt and pepper and lemon juice. Taste. Do it all again until you think it tastes nice. You might like a grassier mayonnaise than me.

Now take a clove of garlic and without bothering to peel it, stick it in a crusher and then crush until just a little scraping comes out and flick that into the mayo and stir. You just want a hint of garlic, because too much is just terrible for the digestion and extremely antisocial. If you had some garlic oil I think that would do the job of the olive oil and the garlic in one.

If you are planning to have this with seafood, a dollop of tomato ketchup - 1/2 a teaspoon I'd say, turns this into a Marie Rose sort of thing.

Finish with a rakish dash of paprika.

 

Potato Pancakes – Delicious, But They Go Right to My Thighs

There are few foods I enjoy eating more than a plate of crispy-edged potato pancakes. Unfortunately, I've been trying to limit my carbs lately (I just can't let go of my dream to become a famous underwear model), so seeing all these amazing Latkes recipes that pop up during Hanukkah is really hard.

Anyway, just because I'm not partaking doesn't mean you have to deny yourself this exquisite pleasure. Below you'll see my version, which has always received rave reviews. These are garnished with smoked salmon, but my favorite way is to simply enjoy them topped with applesauce and sour cream. This is an older post, so use the link below the video for more info and the ingredients. A happy Hanukkah to all those celebrating, and as always, enjoy!



Click here for the original post and ingredient amounts.

Christmas Hamlets – To Eat or Not to Eat Will Not Be a Question

I had been fantasizing for weeks about doing a whole, home-cured ham for the holidays. I always get lots of requests for this kind of thing, and was fully prepared to give it a go, but then a strange thing happened, I heard the word “Hamlet.” 

It was on TV, and completely unrelated to cured pork, but for whatever reason the word made me think of cute little, individually sized hams. That’s all it took, and off I went trying to figure out how to make this thing happen. I knew I wanted a process that wouldn’t require the pink curing salts used in commercially produced hams, not because they are unhealthy, they’re not, but because it would be hard for some of you to find.

I’ve read things in the past about using celery’s naturally occurring nitrates to accomplish the same thing, so that’s what I used, and as you’ll hear me say several times in the video, I was thrilled with the results! While not exactly like a classic city ham, this was very close. The firm, moist texture was great, the salt level was spot on, and since we used loin instead of leg, there’s even a little less fat.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to help much with questions about how to do this with bigger or different cuts, as this was my first foray into home-cured ham, so if you are going to attempt this, please go to a good butcher to get the exact same size “chops” that I used. If you do, and follow these simple steps, I think you will have a holiday meal “to die for.” Sorry, but you didn’t expect me to do this entire post without one forced reference to the play, did you? Enjoy!

Ingredients for 4 Hamlets:

4 thick-cut (10-12 oz) center cut, boneless pork loin “chops”

For the brine:

1/2 cup *kosher salt plus 1 tablespoon

(*if using fine table salt, you’d only need barely 1/3 cup)

3/4 cup packed brown sugar

1 tsp finely ground black pepper

1 tsp allspice

1/2 ground cloves

1 bay leaf

1 1/2 cups boiling water to dissolve salt and sugar

3 celery stalks (about 2 cups chopped)

1/2 yellow onion

3 cloves garlic

2 cups cold water to puree vegetables in blender, plus add enough cold water to make 2 quarts total volume of brine

Brine for 48 hours before roasting

For the glaze:

1/4 cup packed brown sugar

2 tbsp Dijon mustard

pinch of cayenne

whole cloves as needed

Roast at 325 degrees F. until an internal temp of 145 degrees F. is reached.

We Won! Food Wishes Takes Down Two Taste Awards

Thanks to you, we're happy to announce that Food Wishes has won two Taste Awards! We were a finalist in two categories, “Best Food Program: Web,” and “Best Home Chef in a Series,” and took home both prizes.

A sincere thank you to everyone who took the time to vote. I’ve said it before, but no food blogger anywhere enjoys such overwhelming support from their audience. You're the best!

Rosemary Honey “Pull Apart” Dinner Rolls - Because You Love Them...Right?

Entertaining during the holidays usually means plenty of costly, complicated, and time-consuming recipes, so absolutely no one would blame you if you simply tossed a tube of store-bought dinner rolls into the oven to save a little time and effort.

Of course the problem with that, at least for loyal followers of this blog, is that some or all of your family members will have seen this video by then, and you may get a few looks. Not that they would never question your undying love and devotion to their happiness, but hey, why take a chance?

Assuming that you have an electric mixer, besides a few minutes of cutting and balling the dough, these really aren’t that much work to make. If you don’t, and would have to knead this by hand, then let your conscience be your guide. I think I speak for your entire family when I say, we know you’ll do the right thing.

Anyway, as far as holiday dinner rolls go, these are pretty lean. You can certainly up the melted butter amount, and toss in a egg or two, but since these are generally going to be eaten with fairly rich food, I prefer a lighter approach.

Please feel free to embellish with anything else you’d like to toss in. I’ll toss out garlic, herbs, cheese, seeds, and nuts just to start the brainstorming session. I hope you come up with something amazing, and give these a try soon. Enjoy!

Ingredients for about 32-36 small dinner rolls:
1 packet (2 1/4 teaspoon) dry active yeast

1/4 cup warm water (100-110 degrees F.)

1 cup milk

4 tablespoon unsalted butter

1 or 2 tablespoon honey

1 teaspoon salt

2 tsp minced fresh rosemary leaves

about 3 cups unbleached all-purpose white flour, plus more if needed (NOTE: add about 2 1/2 cups of flour at the beginning of the mixing, and then add more in smaller increments until the dough just starts to pull away from the bowl. Remember, you can always add more, but can’t remove too much! Better a little too sticky than too stiff and dry.)
2 tbsp olive oil (to oil the dough)

egg wash (one egg beaten with a teaspoon of milk)

coarse sea salt

Next Up: Pull-Apart Dinner Rolls

Apparently Size Doesn’t Matter for Prime Rib "Method X"

This is what our 6-pounder looked like. Would a
20 pounder work as well? Spoiler Alert: Yes.

The most common question after we posted our now famous “Method X” for making perfect prime rib was “will this work with much bigger, full-size roasts?” Since I'd only used the method on smaller specimens, I was hesitant to green-light much larger pieces of beef without having tested it myself.

Well, thanks to Bill in Salt Lake City, we now have visual proof that this great technique does work on the big boys. Here’s what the fearless cook had to say:

“Your recipe does indeed work on larger bone-in prime rib roasts. I followed the recipe to the tee, on three 18 to 21 lb. roasts using three different ovens in three separate ski condo ovens, all with different thermostats. All came out perfectly. I had 29 very pleased snowmobilers!”

As everyone knows, there are few groups harder to please than a bunch of starving, probably drunk snowmobilers, so this must have really been amazing. Below you’ll see pictures of Bill’s fine work, along with the video showing this easy method. By the way, after seeing the size of Bill’s slices, if you ever get invited to one of his prime rib dinners, you should definitely go. Thanks for sharing, Bill!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Prime rib is very expensive, so no matter what method you use (traditional or Method X), you should always have a probe-style thermometer inserted so that the internal temp can be monitored, to avoid any chance of over-cooking. Set the probe alarm (125 F. for medium-rare) just in case, and pull the roast from oven even if there's still time left on the timer.

To read the full post, which includes the exact time/tempformula, click here. Enjoy!